this scorpio shit sucks some times. i get all in my head about shit... so hard on the outside to protect this soft as emotional, "i just want to be loved with the intensity that i love" bullshit on the inside. it's draining. and i play my hand in a way that almost always lands back in that same dynamic. i like people who aren't actually available, because it protects me. it protects me from really having to deal with the weight of true emotion. i stay locked away out of fear of being hurt, but in my guardedness, i hurt others. they want in, they are drawn to it, but they never are able to gain the access. and they know it. and i want them to fight for it, to prove their honor. and most can't. or won't. or don't. but i write that off as "unworthy" and keep pushing. when i do decide to put my guard down, i'm so concerned about being hurt, that i'm always on the defense. always looking for some one to say the wrong thing, blink the wrong way, make the wrong gesture... nope. wall back up. i'm so tired of it. i'm tired of all of it. i'm tired of being guarded in my openness. i'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster i take myself through because i don't want to feel anything too real. i'm spent. i wonder some times if i will ever not view people as expendable? if i will ever feel like there are people or friendships that i truly can't just walk a way from? and i'm not just talking romantic ones. friends, family, collagues. who is a mainstay for me? i'm exhausted. by the complexity of my own mind. by the ability to predict the future. it's so draining. ugh! this scorpio shit is really getting on my nerves.