i want a new mommy

taylor made me cry today. 

it was bed time, and per usual, she didn't want to go to bed. so she goes into her whole routine... "I really miss my daddy. i just want him to come and get me and sleep with me. i don't want to call him. i just want to see him."

we had a whole conversation about why she needs to be obedient,  go to bed, and she'll see daddy in the morning. i start running the bath water, she's sitting on the toilet before i stick her in the tub. i run downstairs to get her towels. as i'm coming back up the stairs, she's crying and i hear her say to herself, "i just want a new mommy." my heart breaks. i walk in the bathroom and her little hands are covering her face, and the tears are running down her tiny little arms, dripping to her thighs. i sit on the floor in front the toilet.

baby, what's wrong?

i just want a new mommy who doesn't get mad at me. 

*heart shatters

baby, mommy isn't mad at you. i just need you to be obedient. 

but you were mad at me. and you always make me clean up my messes and take a bath and go to bed. i just want a mommy who doesn't make me clean up or go to bed.

we talked about why it was important for her to be responsible and obedient. that if she wants to grow up and be a nice young lady, she has to start practicing those things now. we came to a common ground by me letting her play longer in the tub. but i couldn't shake that feeling. her words just kept ringing in my head. "i just want a new mommy."

the reality is, there will come a moment in any parents life where you will feel shitty. whether you feel like you work too much, don't do enough, spoil your kid, are too strict, whatever... there's no one way to do this, and even if you try to cater your parenting style to each child, there will still be these moments. the moments that make you question your decisions. did I work too much? did I not work enough? am I too strict? too lenient? my truth is, after I shed my secret tear, i realized something. she's mad at me because I'm making her great. she is disappointed that I am forcing her to be responsible for her actions. Iiam raising a phenomenal woman. this process requires that I force her outside of her comfort zone. outside of what she wants to do, and into what she has to do. sometimes she's going to be pissed with me because of it. I can take it.