i don't want to mom today. i just want lay in the bed all day, getting foot rubs from the man of my dreams who instinctively knows what i want to eat and uber eats it for me... ALL DAY! we'd watch she's gotta have it or hbo's all def comedy and mastermind how to dominate our respective industries by 2020. instead, i'm sitting at the island, with taylor sitting on my lap as i type. i can barely hear my own thoughts as she keeps bombarding me with question after question as if she can't see that I'M FUCKING BUSY! i just don't want to today.
it feels like i'm so behind. in everything really. the areas in which i do feel ahead, don't seem to count. like... i did all the laundry, but it's just sitting on my bed waiting for me to fold it. the house is clean, but the rent is late. my gas tank is full, but my head light is out. walked away from a car accident, but my tags are expired. yep... got in a whole damn car accident yesterday. slid my black ass right off the road. no, i wasn't speeding. i was barely going 15 miles an hour when my car decided it was going to make a fucking U turn. slid down an embankment and was stuck for 4 hours. good news: i didn't hit anything major, just some lil bushes and shit. i wasn't injured in anyway. q (who was riding with me to grab dog food) was perfectly fine as well. there was no additional damage to my car when they pulled me out. bad news: my bumper & head light are FUCKED! bertha is still cute as shit from the back, but bruh... that front end look like she lost a fight.
after they pulled me out, got me back on the pavement, took a brief look at bertha, the tow truck driver looks me dead in the face and asked "do you want to drive home?" WOW! really?! and then it hit me. sometimes you think you're going to have to be towed home. you think you don't have anything else to give. you think for sure that all the commotion you were surrounded by on the dramatic entry into your situation or the scratches and scraps on your way out are doing permanent damage. it's a wrap. i'm done. then suddenly, there you are. out of it. shaken up, but alive and thriving. bertha carried me home as though nothing happened. she got punched in the face, but she's still kicking.
this morning, i felt defeated. overwhelmed. surrounded by the bushes. but i was reminded, by the very irony that is my life... don't let the way it looks, dictate my reality. even if i have to wait WAY longer than i thought i would... i'm coming out.