"vacation" my ass
it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
no seriously. the ride up with my mom & the kids was cool. good conversation, good music, good company. we only had to stop twice, which i think is pretty damn good for a car full of kids under 8. we arrive to chicago and chill out the rest of the day. the kids played, we ate dinner, and it was all good.
the next day, we get up, have breakfast and dress for the day. and that's when it began... mom & grandma set off on their tag team, senior citizen adventures! this episode, starring ME! co starring the kiddie caravan. we head out to navy pier. in the car, the two stooges start up. grandma can't find the parking lot. except, it's right in front of her. with a sign. a HUGE sign. PARK HERE. another sign, "Parking For Madagascar The Musical". i say, "there's the sign." well, i don't see no sign, so i want to ask. in chimes mom: i don't see it either, and there's nothing wrong with asking. OMG. this is unreal. but there's more... we pull into the parking garage, she gets the ticket... she starts reading the ticket... while the gate is up... and cars are behind us. (WHAT?!) "grandma, go!" j'hanna, let me read the damn ticket. (OMG!) car beeps at her, she fusses, but drives in. we find a spot, on a mostly empty level of the garage. we can see the elevators. they're 6 rows over. in this mostly empty level of the garage. "grandma, park next to the elevators so we don't have to walk across the parking lot with the kids." they'll be fine she says. until my mom doubles down... then she moves. we unload, find the theatre, approach will call to get our tickets. grandma starts up again. i thought you already bought tickets. "we did grandma." so why are we going to will call? "to pick them up." why you gotta pick em up if you bought em already? "just sit tight granny." we see "madagascar" the musical at the chicago shakespeare theatre. the kids loved it. i thought it was pretty cheesy, but it wasn't about me. we walk around the pier. the kids are happy, i'm able to walk ahead far enough to miss the unsolicited comments and suggestions from the two stooges. all is well again. UNTIL...
we're in the car. the kids are eating their popcorn. listening to disney radio. chilling. grandma starts up again. who's crying? no one replies. who's crying? no one replies. who's crying? "no one is crying grandma." i'm not talking to you jo. "but no one is crying. why do you keep asking that? they're listening to music." i know that, but i'm not talking to you. let them tell me no one is crying. (WHAT?! this woman is crazy!) "they're not going to answer you because no one is crying. leave them alone. they're quiet. let them be." i can't talk to them if i want to. she chooses taylor to focus on... taylor, do you want to talk to grandma? taylor looks up from the phone that's playing the music... "no thank you." bwahahahaha! all is well again.
day one entry:
"so i have a sanity rule... DON'T GO TO CHICAGO WITH MOM, UNARMED! what do i mean "unarmed"? without my sister. she's the buffer. we can be each other's refuge. when it's just me and the two stooges... i get tag teamed. my mom & granny have a unique skill. it's the ability to get on my last nerve in record speeds. individually, as a collective, tag team, both at once... they do it all. they are MASTERS. the only saving grace, is sister. she allows me to have a team mate. she laughs at my jokes. she jumps on my quips. she distracts one while i take on the other. she lines em up, i knock em down. she drags the joke for layering. she piles her jokes on top of mine. it's the greatest. and i miss her ass like crazy right now. these babes are wearing me thin. i can't get good ground on one of em without the other chiming in! HUSH! can't you see i'm trying to verbally spar with your momma?! or your offspring? and just when i've got one on the ropes... here comes the tag team! and they just giggle. :( i miss my sister. lol"
day two entry:
"this morning, the two stooges shifted their tag team senior citizens' adventures into overdrive. complete with child abuse accusations and petty refusals to close my door. spiced up with "when i die, you're going to wish you talked to me." these two are a match made in irritating comic heaven. they seriously need their own show. the cat & sandy show. i'm going to record them all day today. all their random shenanigans. this should be interesting..."