it's tough to own that an argument, at the core, was your fault. that the awkward silence you woke to is because you took a perfectly good moment, and shifted its energy. it makes you do self analysis at that point. why? where's the discomfort that causes retreat? what are you scared of? why can't you live in that moment?
i examined myself, and come to realize, i need way more validation than i'm comfortable with. not in my career or in my personal esteem, but in romantic relationships. i am not just a "show me" girl. i'm a "tell me what you're showing me" girl. that seems to be a little complicated. more than a little. someone once told me, "you require such grand gestures and displays of love, and when you don't get them, you make people feel like their best isn't good enough." i can see that more. i am by no means perfect, but it's hard to see your own faults when you’re focused on what you want from someone else. reflection is often a thing i do in hindsight. i'm working to be more self aware in the moment. less "impulsive" if you will.
ultimately... i've got a long way to go. moments such as now are reflective of that. the hardest part seems to be accepting that i self sabotage out of fear. there's a possibility that i wont always be able to apologize it away. who knows. even if i can, it's not an existence i want. making the same errors, in different ways, apologize, repeat. that's not growth. that's delusion. i'm smooth. i need a healthy relationship with myself, and that ain't it.
well, i've spilled my truth. now it's time to face it. wish me luck!